Tuesday, August 31, 2010
February of 2009 I weighed 237 lbs... My whole life I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror and only think of bad thoughts. Going to school when I was a kid was traumatizing. I was made fun of left and right. I have always struggled with having a weight problem. In high school I was always around 190 lbs. Because I danced everyday and had lots of exercise. I also (unfortunatly) smoked. My senior year of high school I started taking a stop smoking class. I succeeded. But I can tell you my favorite thing to do was to eat when I no longer smoked. I gained 37 lbs. Last year I had a motivation of losing weight though, I had a cousin who needed a kidney and I just so happened to match. Only problem was I had to have a BMI of 35 or less. which I would need to weigh around 190 lbs. So I decided I had enough motivation to lose this weight and feel better about myself. It turns out his daughter who was also a match and wanted to have the privilege of saving her dads life (he is doing great, btw). So for not having a motivation anymore I think I did pretty well. I got down to 189 lbs. Which by then I was ecstatic. I felt so good about myself and had a new hobby, buying clothes! The only difficult thing was I got sick of dieting. I just wanted to eat what everyone else ate. So what did I do? I gained most of that weight back except for 10 pounds. That is right. I weigh 225 lbs. I do not feel good anymore. and I know have a drawer full of clothes I can't fit into. My self esteem is just as low ever. I stopped dancing, I stopped being me. I was thinking while driving on the freeway what if I got in an accident and died or was seriously hurt, I wouldn't be able to do what I love most, Dance (mainly). There is one thing that stops me from dancing. How I look. I have started HCG again and on the road back to losing weight and feeling good physically and about self esteem. Today is Day 2 and I just watched my company eat sandwich's and envied them. I have a headache and keep getting light headed. I have lost a couple pounds already. and I go to the bathroom every 2 seconds because of all the water I am drinking. I would like to keep you updated on how I'm doing. I just finally realized that I am my own motivation. I want to be healthy & fit. Not just to pick up a cute guy. but because I honestly will feel better about myself if I can get over this weakness in my life. I would rather quit smoking 1000 more times then have to keep going on diets and losing weight. I need to get it right and keep it right.
Monday, August 23, 2010
What do you do when you most need therapy? Talk to a friend, go for a walk and think, take a nap, meditate? Being only 20 years old I have experienced many things in my life and most of them are experiences I wish I could just forget about. When I was in my 9th grade year I got into some trouble and was sentenced by the state to go to therapy. At the age of 15 I did not want to be told what I had to do and therefore was the biggest pain in the butt to my parents and my therapists. For about 2 years I was forced to talk about how I felt when I was not yet ready to. Finally I was able to stop going, which in my mind ( at the time) was the greatest moment of my life. I am still not a big person on telling people how I feel. But there came a time about a year ago that I was ready to deal with the things that happened to me as a kid, the things I experienced as a teenage, and the common worries of an adult. So, I called up my first ever therapist and she was so willing to take me back after all of the crap I put her through. I have been going for a year now and tomorrow will be my final day. I finally feel like I can work things out on my own. There are some days where all I can think about are the mistakes I've made or the mistakes others made that I was involved with. Some days I just have flashbacks of horrible memories of the experiences I've had. Sometimes I feel like giving up because of my insecurities and low self esteem. But one thing I do know is if it weren't for those things that I've gone through in my life, I would not be me. I would not be able to help someone else and relate to their problems. I honestly feel like I was meant to fall away from the church just to experience how it felt. I was meant to do drugs so I could help at least one person realize how incredibly stupid they are and it goes along with all the other stuff I choose to do. Yes sometimes I regret every single mistake I've made, but today I am grateful for the opportunities I have to help others avoid those same temptations. Therapy can have many forms such as a huge bowl of ice cream with a chocolate brownie to going for a nice long walk to think about things or in my case as a teenager I sat on my roof and took in my trees, the wind, and the never ending sky. Thank you for reading my thoughts.