HCG (my lovely life of dieting)

February of 2009 I weighed 237 lbs... My whole life I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror and only think of bad thoughts. Going to school when I was a kid was traumatizing. I was made fun of left and right. I have always struggled with having a weight problem. In high school I was always around 190 lbs. Because I danced everyday and had lots of exercise. I also (unfortunatly) smoked. My senior year of high school I started taking a stop smoking class. I succeeded. But I can tell you my favorite thing to do was to eat when I no longer smoked. I gained 37 lbs. Last year I had a motivation of losing weight though, I had a cousin who needed a kidney and I just so happened to match. Only problem was I had to have a BMI of 35 or less. which I would need to weigh around 190 lbs. So I decided I had enough motivation to lose this weight and feel better about myself. It turns out his daughter who was also a match and wanted to have the privilege of saving her dads life (he is doing great, btw). So for not having a motivation anymore I think I did pretty well. I got down to 189 lbs. Which by then I was ecstatic. I felt so good about myself and had a new hobby, buying clothes! The only difficult thing was I got sick of dieting. I just wanted to eat what everyone else ate. So what did I do? I gained most of that weight back except for 10 pounds. That is right. I weigh 225 lbs. I do not feel good anymore. and I know have a drawer full of clothes I can't fit into. My self esteem is just as low ever. I stopped dancing, I stopped being me. I was thinking while driving on the freeway what if I got in an accident and died or was seriously hurt, I wouldn't be able to do what I love most, Dance (mainly). There is one thing that stops me from dancing. How I look. I have started HCG again and on the road back to losing weight and feeling good physically and about self esteem. Today is Day 2 and I just watched my company eat sandwich's and envied them. I have a headache and keep getting light headed. I have lost a couple pounds already. and I go to the bathroom every 2 seconds because of all the water I am drinking. I would like to keep you updated on how I'm doing. I just finally realized that I am my own motivation. I want to be healthy & fit. Not just to pick up a cute guy. but because I honestly will feel better about myself if I can get over this weakness in my life. I would rather quit smoking 1000 more times then have to keep going on diets and losing weight. I need to get it right and keep it right.

Therapy

What do you do when you most need therapy? Talk to a friend, go for a walk and think, take a nap, meditate? Being only 20 years old I have experienced many things in my life and most of them are experiences I wish I could just forget about. When I was in my 9th grade year I got into some trouble and was sentenced by the state to go to therapy. At the age of 15 I did not want to be told what I had to do and therefore was the biggest pain in the butt to my parents and my therapists. For about 2 years I was forced to talk about how I felt when I was not yet ready to. Finally I was able to stop going, which in my mind ( at the time) was the greatest moment of my life. I am still not a big person on telling people how I feel. But there came a time about a year ago that I was ready to deal with the things that happened to me as a kid, the things I experienced as a teenage, and the common worries of an adult. So, I called up my first ever therapist and she was so willing to take me back after all of the crap I put her through. I have been going for a year now and tomorrow will be my final day. I finally feel like I can work things out on my own. There are some days where all I can think about are the mistakes I've made or the mistakes others made that I was involved with. Some days I just have flashbacks of horrible memories of the experiences I've had. Sometimes I feel like giving up because of my insecurities and low self esteem. But one thing I do know is if it weren't for those things that I've gone through in my life, I would not be me. I would not be able to help someone else and relate to their problems. I honestly feel like I was meant to fall away from the church just to experience how it felt. I was meant to do drugs so I could help at least one person realize how incredibly stupid they are and it goes along with all the other stuff I choose to do. Yes sometimes I regret every single mistake I've made, but today I am grateful for the opportunities I have to help others avoid those same temptations. Therapy can have many forms such as a huge bowl of ice cream with a chocolate brownie to going for a nice long walk to think about things or in my case as a teenager I sat on my roof and took in my trees, the wind, and the never ending sky. Thank you for reading my thoughts.

Dreams

Today is day 4 with my blog, and I have 1 follower! I am on my way to fame. It may be my sister but what that means is, I am moving up in the world with my blog.

Today being the 23rd half of the employees at my work are gone because of the holiday weekend here in Utah. What could that mean? Only one word Par-tay. Just kidding. It really is just slow and boring so it gives me plenty of time to Blog, Facebook, play scrabble and Lemmings with my lovely sister. I have decided that my Blog is really just a journal, letting me express myself and grant all of you (so far, Heidi) the opportunity to jump into my head and read my thoughts. Last night a group of friends and I went to see Inception. Yes it was a good movie, Its amazing to see how many brilliant people out there in this world to come up with a brilliant idea. Afterwords we were driving to drop some girls off and got on the topic of dreams. It was interesting to hear what kind dreams other people have. It seems like most people have experienced the part in a dream when you try to run away from something and you are running in slow motion. It was agreed that those kinds are always the worst. It also turns out that was the dream I had last night. But I love my dreams. Sometimes they don't make sense or can be nightmares. But at the same time I love that I can escape from my reality and dream of a world that doesn't exist; and in the morning remember my them and try to dissect them. When I am reading a good book it seems that I always dream about them. Our minds are so powerful! I think sometimes inspiration can come from dreams we have, maybe a good story or an idea. I have always wanted to have a Dream journal. I think I am going to start one, Sometimes dreams are unforgettable, why waste them when you forget them?

It is time to close my thoughts, one day I won't be "talking to myself" on my blog.

Jar of Hearts

"And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are"

Watching one of my favorite shows "So You Think You Can Dance" I found music I have fallen in love with. It is one of those songs you can sing your heart and soul out and the lyrics are easy to memorize. but not only are they easy but they are different. I love the part it says "you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul".

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/christina_perri/#shar

Being so young I don't really know what real love is. I know what it is from stories with happy endings, or true loves first kiss but I have never experienced it. I have ever really had one relationship. If that is what you can even call it, sense we never technically dated. but were "together" for months off and on. I relate with this song to how it was with him. Always asking him "who do you think you are, runnin around leaving scars". Christina Perri sings with hurt in her heart but she also sings it like she is sick of always going back to this relationship and says "don't come back for me, don't come back at all". And that is what I did. I just got so sick of being pulled down. Being somebody I never wanted to be. The scars will always be there but like in the song "I have grown to strong, to ever fall back into your arms.".

My First Ever Post

As a working woman of only 20 years old, I never had much thought of starting my own blog. My main question was "What would I ever talk about?" Well, looking over my shoulder in my closet (aka: office) my sister Heidi sits beside me, and always talks about amazing blogs she reads or even updating her own blog with cool pictures of her home or telling cool stories that happened to us over the weekend.

Heidi on left. Me on right
Today she left work early and I am all alone in my dark hole trying to stay focused on working. Turns out I am not doing very good at that. That is why I decided to start my very own blog (sounds exciting), because Facebook was just getting to old reading and re-reading posts all day. I am sure no one will even read this, but what the heck, what do I have to lose? Pop Quiz...A: everything B: somethings or C: nothing ... I'd pick C for my answer if I had a choice.

As my very first blog comes to a close, I am already feeling the addiction of wanting to start another post (don't worry, I will spare you today). I hope all of you that reads this (as of right now I have no followers) enjoys my thoughts.